Take Off Your Shoes, Moses: You Are On Holy Ground

In case you're wondering, here are my brilliant Ten Commandments for New Teachers that I carved onto two stone tablets with my own finger. Many teachers enter the profession as really nice people who care about young people, and will have the same basic problem I did when I started: I was way too nice, and because of that, not as effective as I could have been.

So read with that in mind, and remember, it's supposed to be humorous, so no hate mail, please.

Coulter’s Ten Commandments for Classroom Management (new & improved: now with 10% more commandment)

I. Your agenda is not their agenda. Your agenda must prevail.
You love your subject matter and assume that they will, too, but the last class you took was at a university you were paying good money to attend, and your goals were pretty much the same as your professor’s. Your students do not share this worldview. They want freedom, don’t value your efforts to educate them, and want to avoid work at every turn. You are not leading the Von Trapp family on a singing holiday in the Austrian Alps.

II. Have a battle plan.
Students are like any opportunistic predator: they constantly test for weakenss to exploit. If they smell blood in the water, they close ranks and come in for the kill. They’ll even eat their own. A moment’s indecision here, fumbling around looking for your handouts there, and you’re immediately playing defense. The Alpha Dog, by definition, doesn’t play defense. So,

III. Hit first, and hit hard (idle hands are the Devil’s tools).
You set the tone from the first day, and you teach them how to treat you from the first day by verbal and non-verbal communication: always start at the bell; have something for them to begin immediately: journal topic, warm-up math problems on the board, anything, while you take attendance; always have a task ready at hand in case you’ve under-planned and they finish early. “Free time” is insidious.

IV. Make examples of the first offenders.
Students watch the way you handle the first disruptors to get an idea of what might happen to them if they make trouble. Stop to discipline the first few trespassers immediately, or you teach everyone that you will tolerate it.

V. Practice the magic word: “No.”
Try it, and watch. They won’t die. You have to apply limits to them: they certainly won’t apply limits to themselves. They have an endless stream of requests and personal crises: take them one at a time, at your pace, make the others wait until you get to them. Don’t let them waste big chunks of class time asking you things they could ask you at the end of the period on their way out.

VI. It’s your class, not theirs.
Your job is to bring Order to Chaos. Only then will you have cleared an area in which learning can take place. Don’t be afraid to enforce your will upon them. They’re used to it, and will easily adapt to the structure you build.

VII. Tell students what you want them to do, not what you don’t want them to do.
Teenagers have selective hearing. They’re distracted, and not really listening to you. Negative commands result in confusion. If you say “Don’t put your name on your paper,” three kids will do it anyway, one will ask “Did you say to put our names on our papers?” and you will have to repeat yourself, probably more than once. You’re now managing Chaos, instead of creating Order.

VIII. Choose your battles.
You can’t expend your energy making a big deal of every small infraction of your class rules. If making sure kids don’t slouch in their desks is a huge deal to you, fine; otherwise, save your powder for important battles, like ?

IX. Ignore 85% of what they say.
The so-called adolescent “mind” is an entertaining circus of impressions and half-thoughts interrupted by other impressions and quarter-thoughts, fired by hormonal fluctuations, echoing bits of song lyrics and the students’ own basic insecurities. They verbalize many thoughts that don’t relate to anything. If you respond to, or even listen to, everything they say, you will accomplish nothing in a period, and go slowly insane for your trouble. Learn to tune the static out, and pick up on key words that indicate an intelligent question or pertinent statement is being made.

X. Stick to your due dates.
If you extend due dates, you’re not being kind; you’re being unfair. If an assignment was given on Wednesday which is due on Friday, the third of the class who did it by Friday had two days; the two-thirds of the class you then gave until Monday had five days to do the same work. In addition, kids will quickly learn that they need not have their work done on time, because you will likely extend the due date if they fein victimhood. At that point, they have you whipped.

XI. Call for backup (tap the oak to shake the acorn).
Mention calling parents. Then call parents. Kids hate that you crashed their simplistic little scheme to play both ends against the middle. Materials, missing assignments, reading books, and manners appear instantly the next day.